Friday, June 23, 2006


Stay The Course, Fellow Lemmings!

I was going to edit this rap from The Smirking Chimp, but Ed Naha makes so many points that it’s better—and funny in a gallows-humorous way—to just stick the whole thing up.

If I didn't go for the humor, now and then, like watching "The Daily Show" and "The Colbert Report," I'd probably die of terminal pessemism.

I did particularly like his origin of the phrase “cut and run” as being what a sailing ship does when it’s in trouble and can’t get it’s anchor up: you cut the line and run with the wind. And “stay the course” is what lemmings say to each other as they head off the cliff.

Ed Naha: 'They're right. We're wrong.'
Date: Friday, June 23 @ 10:03:46 EDT
Topic: Republicans
Ed Naha

Guided by Republican talking points, the MSM has, of late, been trying to define Democrats, using words like "divided," "unsure" and "unfocused." Well, how's this as a defining moment of Republican leadership? CNN's John King talking about the Democratic plan for leaving Iraq with Dick Cheney.

King: "Well, you disagree with the Democrats' plan, but they are stepping into a political environment in which the American people -- clearly, some have anger, some have dissatisfaction, some have doubts about this war and the administration's plan for this war. Fifty-four percent of the American people say it's a mistake; 55 percent say things are going badly in Iraq; 53 percent in our polling say the American people actually support a timetable. Why is it that the administration has failed to articulate to the American people then? The American people don't think you have a plan, sir."

Cheney: "Well, they're wrong..."

There ya' go, kids. They're right. We're wrong. Deal with it.

(Personally, I'd like to guide the MSM into defining Republicans using words like "arrogant bastards," "thieves" and "liars." But that's just me.)

This bunch would do and/or say just about anything to stay in office. Now, take Pennsylvania's Rick ("name that fetus") Santorum...please. (Rimshot!) Together with fellow Republican handjob Pete Hoekstra (Mi.), Rick announced that weapons of mass destruction have been found in Iraq.

Relying on unclassified sections of a document prepared by the U.S. intelligence community, Santorum declared: "The idea that, as my colleagues have repeatedly said in this debate on the other side of the aisle, that there are no weapons of mass destruction is in fact false. We have found over 500 weapons of mass destruction and in fact have found that there are additional chemical weapons still in the country."

In a subsequent press release, Rick said that this was "critically important information that the world community needs to know."

The only problem is: what was found were old shells from the 1980s, from before the first Gulf War. A Defense Department official said: "This does not reflect a capacity that was built up after 1991." In fact, the old shells, scattered around the country, "are not the WMDs this country and the rest of the world believed Iraq had, and not the WMDs for which this country went to war."

David Kay, the head of America's Iraq weapons hunting team from 2003-2004, said that any nerve agents found in the shells would be "less toxic than most things that Americans have under their kitchen sink at this point."

Senator Rick, you know you're in trouble when "Hardball's" Norah O'Donnell laughs her ass off while covering your scoop.

The Republican-led Congress was in Orthodox Stooge mode this entire week, voting down two separate Democratic bills designed to bring our troops home from Iraq. "Cut and run!" Republicans howled. Bill ("The Cat's Meow") Frist even issued a press release entitled: FRIST DENOUNCES DEMOCRATS' PLAN TO CUT AND RUN.

If anyone cares, "cut and run" is a nautical term defining how to save your ship should your anchor get wedged below the sea. You cut the anchor's cable and allow your ship to sail off, unencumbered. Sounds like a plan to me.

The Republican's favorite slogan "stay the course," on the other hand, is actually based on the sound lemmings make as they charge off a cliff.

Led by Chickenhawk Karl Rove, the Republican lemmings have rallied behind our ace Fighter Pilot-in-Chief to use the Iraqi occupation as a political tool to galvanize their faltering base. That might explain the noticeable lack of reaction to the kidnap, torture and slaughter of two U.S. troops this week, as well as Iraq's slide into something resembling a "best of" episode of "The Untouchables."

Before the mutilated bodies of the Americans were discovered, Tony Snow seemed irritated that the MSM was devoting so much time to the story. Why weren't they talking about the good news out of Iraq? Uhhh. Because there isn't any?

Showing their respect for hard working Americans, the Senate voted down an increase in the minimum wage, which has been stuck at $5.15 an hour since 1997. (Possible press release? FRIST DENOUNCES MONEY-OBSESSED WORKERS.)

The Senate's compassion compelled Lou Dobbs to write: "Corporate America, the Bush administration and the national economic orthodoxy with which they're in league have consistently argued against helping working men and women at the lowest end of the wage scale by raising the minimum wage. Big business groups like the U.S. Chamber of Commerce and Business Roundtable say it will harm the economy and eliminate jobs. As is so frequent with the faith-based economics that grips both political parties in Washington, such concerns have absolutely nothing to do with reality.

"For example, it's impossible to deny the national minimum wage of $5.15 is not enough for a family to live above the poverty line. The annual salary for workers earning the national minimum wage still leaves a family of three about $6,000 short of the poverty threshold.

"Raising the minimum wage to $7.50 would positively affect the lives of more than 8 million workers, including an estimated 760,000 single mothers and 1.8 million parents with children under 18. But even this 46 percent increase would get them only to the poverty line. Don't you think these families just might need that cost-of-living increase a bit more than our elected officials who are paid nearly $170,000 a year?

"With no Congressional action on raising the minimum wage since 1997, inflation has eroded wages. The minimum wage in the 21st century is $2 lower in real dollars than it was four decades ago and now stands at its lowest level since 1955, according to the Economic Policy Institute and Center on Budget and Policy Priorities."

Rest assured, though, our Republican representatives know what it's like to live check by check. That's why the House quietly voted last week to give Congress a $3K pay raise.

(Ironically, while all this was going down, the Economic Policy Institute think tank published a study stating the CEO's now earn 262 times the pay of an average worker. In fact, a CEO earned more in one day than the average worker earned in 52 weeks.)

Still, our elected officials showed that they felt Americans' pain. That's why they voted to cut taxes on inherited estates and relieve thousands of heirs from paying taxes during the next ten years.

In the year 2004, more than 30,000 estates were taxed. If the House changes become law, by 2011 only 5,100 a year would be taxed. The Joint Committee on Taxation estimates that uber-millionaires would save about $283 billion in taxes from 2006 to 2016. Sniff. It makes you proud, don't it?

"This is the ultimate values debate," said House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi, D-Calif. "It is morally wrong to do this, especially when we are turning down, rejecting, an increase in the minimum wage."

Wotta whiner. Get with the program, lady.

The House is also pushing a Presidential line-item veto law, slightly weaker than the line-item veto law struck down by the Supreme Court in 1998. (Back then, the Supreme Court said the law was notso hotso because it let the president single-handedly change laws passed by Congress. How times have changed.)

Republicans, with a straight face, are pushing this in order to allow the President to strip bills of "pork barrel" spending projects. Pork that the Republicans put in the bills in the first place. ("Stop me, Daddy, before I earmark again!")

The House Republicans' rather unique reasoning for wanting this new law led California Democrat George Miller to exclaim: "You control all mechanisms of spending. You control the House, you control the Senate, you control the presidency and you need help before you spend again! What is this, Comedy Central???"

The always hilarious House also effectively put the kibosh on Bush's immigration reforms, stating that representatives have to hold a series of hearings on the subject next month. House Speaker Dennis ("Close your mouth when you chew") Hastert opined that the hearings, to be held both in D.C. and across the country, are needed "so we understand what the American people are saying."

Fortunately, "The Bronx Cheer" sounds the same in English as it does in Spanish, so Hastert and company will definitely get the message.

The House also postponed a vote on renewing the 1965 Voting Rights Act. The law, which allowed millions of black voters to go to the polls, ended poll taxes and literary tests during the height of the civil rights struggle.

The reason the House began dragging its feet? In part, because the law requires ballots to be printed in more than one language in neighborhoods where there are large numbers of immigrants.


On the plus side, with all these bills passed and/or shot down, Congress can get down to some really important stuff. You know, topics that impact our lives every day, like gay marriage and a Constitutional amendment outlawing "flag desecration."

I personally would like a Constitutional amendment outlawing "IQ desecration." Every time any of these bozos uttered an asinine slogan, from "stay the course" to "we're fighting them over th'ar so we don't fight 'em over here," I'd fine their sorry butts. Within a month, one of two things would happen. They'd either shut up or file for bankruptcy...and we all know how easy it is to file for personal bankruptcy these days.

In terms of marriage? Let's all write to Republicans and say that, to preserve this spiritual union, we want a Constitutional amendment outlawing divorce! The silence will spread like wildfire.

So, with the week drawing to a close and Congressional Republicans heading back to their clown cars, I'd like to address California Democrat George Miller who asked "What is this, Comedy Central???"

No, George, it's more like the mutant spawn of "The Cartoon Network" and "Animal Planet."


This article comes from The Smirking Chimp

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